Music and Such

I've been working to share some good music with my kids and I think its working. Both Maya and Julian have these small video game type things that also holds music and I get to choose which songs go where. Of course, I need to indulge them with their kiddo music, but then I can be more creative. It sure is nice to drive down the freeway and hear Love and Rockets, the Beatles, Pink Floyd, and Manu Chau coming from the back seat. There is no way of knowing how this might influence them, but once my mom let me listen to her Beatles records, it was all over because my musical appreciation took one huge leap around the age of six.

I'm no musician, but later when life has a tendency to take adolescents on wild journeys, music helped make my journey more complex. During the mid-1980s MTV had a show called 120 Minutes where I first heard Love and Rockets' "Yin and Yang the Flowerpot Man", as well as other artists like the Butthole Surfers, Souixsie and the Banshees, and Sonic Youth. All of these were worth listening to because it was good music and often had interesting lyrics. Yin and Yang the Flowerpot Man might actually be one of the reasons I became an English major. It also helped that I was often loaded during the show, so the music was that much better.

Now its time for my son and daughter to learn music. I'm sure they will have their pop music phases coupled with their exploratory phases, and that is a-okay. Still, I love it when I put on War or Jimi Hendrix and Maya says, "I like that song daddy," because she will have a better repertoire of music than the average kid. And when Julian reaches in and pulls out Los Lobos or PJ Harvey, I know that he might be the only kid in his class listening to that music. With the understanding of a variety of music often comes the understanding of a variety of life experiences. Maybe Rage Against the Machine sounds like red hot noise to some, but when my kids are throwing their fists in the air singing, "A fire in the master's house is set!" there is more to it than sounds coming from the speakers. Those rides in my truck just might change the world someday. Then, those music filled rides to school will take on entirely new meanings. One can dream.

Anger

I don't know why, but I've been angry most of my life. Now, it is affecting my marriage and how I parent. Actually, it probably has always affected my marriage and how I parent, I just didn't want to admit it. A while back Denise challenged me with some tough questions that I didn't want to face, and although I don't remember exactly what those questions were I did begin thinking last night about many different things.

First, if I am truly going to change as a husband, then I need to change as a parent. When I was single all I wanted was to have a family. I was angry that I didn't have a family. I was angry that I was always alone. I was angry that I was depressed. I was angry, angry angry. But I was angry at the wrong things. I should have been angry that I was so angry, not at what I believed was my innate right, which was to have a family. When I got a family I became angry at all the responsibilities. I just haven't been able to find a balance, but the common factor is that I keep getting angry at the things I want. I want my freedom to sit and write, drink a beer with a friend, or have some silence. When I had that freedom I was angry. When I got the family I wanted so bad, I got angry that I had to hang out with my wife's friends, take kids to school and pick them up, and be there for them whenever they need me; but that's what I said I wanted. That is what I agreed to as a married man. That is what I agreed to as an adoptive father. But sometimes it all seems like too much.

Now I know I am being selfish here, but sometimes I want the best of both worlds. That makes me a man. Not a macho man, but it makes me just like every other man out there, including my father, who I looked down upon for not fulfilling his fatherly duties well enough. Here I am now, wanting to go out and play or relinquish my responsibilities for a while (hours, not days) and just get on with it. One of the most difficult things has been to realize that I am no different from all those other dads who don't take their kids to school. In fact, maybe I'm worse because I do it begrudgingly, when I should be happy to take my kids to school. I should feel honored that I am the last member of their family they see as they are turned over to their teachers. Instead, I grumble because I won't have enough time at work; and honestly, I probably waste more time at work than I should, so what's my problem? My problem is that I am just a man, and I'm no different than the rest of them even though I have tried and tried to be some sort of super-dad. The problem is that it just isn't getting me anywhere and what's worse is that it is even straining my marriage.

Denise is a great woman. After all, she puts up with me and my moods. She puts up with my negative attitude. She puts up with me trying to prove my worth by focusing on the wrong things all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she has completely fallen out of love with me by now. I mean really, how is it that she can stay in love with a moody, narcissistic fool like me? I've tried doctors and medication. I bought an expensive bike to ride. I have a great phone that is a mini-computer. I have a dream job. And none of it is enough. Maybe its all too much. I've lost sight of the beauty of my forest while cursing the multitude of trees surrounding me. I've lost my wife and children because I have been so concerned about blaming everything on everyone that I have lost sight of the beauty of my own life.

I'll never be anywhere near as good as I want to be. Regardless of whether it is being a father, husband, or teacher, I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I am not even sure why I constantly need that validation to show what I have done to be worthy of any type of acceptance. I am a decent person, but if I cannot come to grips with chaos that I have allowed to happen in my life, then my family will be done for. That is not what I want, but I need to learn how to put it into perspective in a way that works; and it needs to be done in a way that helps Denise, Julian, and Maya more than it helps me because their happiness should be mine, not the other way around.

If all goes well the next few days will be better. If the days are better, then the weeks should improve, too. Only time will tell. Only I can do this and it needs t be done quietly and without reservation. Only then can I save my family from myself.

men's group

So I went to a support group for fathers who have children with autism. I enjoyed it. I think I needed it. When I got home, Denise and I spent most of the rest of the night talking about Julian. Eventually she changed the subject and we talked about Maya. Then we went to bed and she fell asleep. Now I'm up writing at 12:30 am. This is what life has become. Strange.

Realize

I've come to realize that I'm not a very good dad. I'm grumpy and I even turn downright mean. That's got to suck for my kids. I don't want them to grow up thinking that I was such a terrible father. I love them, but it's hard. Fatherhood is difficult. I can see why my dad pretty much walked away. Fatherhood is fucking complicated. Its not like the movies where everything just works out. Four year olds don't care if you have a bad day. Seven year old don't care if you've had a bad day.