Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Okinawa

When I was 11-12 years old,I lived in Oki-Yomitan Village in Okinawa, Japan. Those were some of the happiest days of my life, and I try to carry a piece of Okinawa in my heart everyday. The people of Okinawa were some of the nicest people I have ever known, and their genuine kindness toward an American kid has always been important to me. I can only hope that everyone has the opportunity to meet the Other and form a meaningful friendship the way I did. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Adult?

Sometimes I do become sad when I realize that I am a functioning adult, but I cannot ask my mother how she got me to this place.  

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Be Right

I tell you what. When someone does everything right for you and you do one thing wrong, even unintentionally, it is a disaster. You can never take it back. You can never undo the hurt. All you can do is accept defeat. 

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Terrible

Sometimes I feel like I am a terrible father. 
Sometimes I feel like I am a terrible husband. 
Sometimes I feel as though I am the outsider in our family. As though I hold everyone back. As though I am a problem. 
I do not know if other fathers feel this way, but there are days and weeks where I feel as though I can do nothing right and that the entire family would be better without me. It is nothing more than my own selfishness that I stay around. I need my wife and children. The odd thing is that I would feel like nothing without them, but I also feel like a burden to them. 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Get up

You will be told for your entire life that it's doesn't matter whether you get knocked down; it matters that you get back up. The problem is that no one ever says that it's alright to stay down for awhile to heal. No one will tell you that it's okay to stop for a little while and catch your breath and heal. No one tells you to lift your head up slowly to become reoriented and see if you just might want to take some time to figure out your next move. They just tell you to get back up, and cruel parts of our world will take advantage of you in those moments, and that can be absolutely devastating. That can crush a person's soul. 
 I'm telling you that it's perfectly fine to take a breath and get your bearings straight before you get back up. I'm telling you to take a moment so that you can think before you try do do something just to do something because that can destroy a person. 
It just might save you in the long run. 

Depression

In the moments when my mental state hits the floor and it takes everything I have to keep it together is when I crack a little bit. Unfortunately, you guys are often the target of my frustration. It is in these moments that I feel useless. In these moments I feel as though you all would be better without me. It is in these moments when suicide become a real option that I must convince myself is unnecessary. I am not proud of this, but it is true that I am not as mentally strong as I wish I could be. It is true that I often feel like I am worthless. I feel like a burden that deserves to be lifted from your shoulders. Like a weight that you no longer should be required to carry. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Remember

It's strange when I consider the things I remember from my childhood. A movie. A song. An afternoon. A tree I climbed. A game. The sounds on a radio. The smell of fresh paint. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Atypical children

My children are not typical children for many reasons. Although I won't get into their specific designator a, it is often enough to use their names to describe behaviors, and everyone understands what we mean. Because of who they are, they experience the world in ways that are different from the average child; therefore, the average child also experiences my children in ways that are different than how they experience their typical peers. While I this is easy to reconcile in theory, it is not as easy to do in practical terms. I wish that I was the perfect father who knows exactly how to make the world perfect for my children, but I am not that father. In fact, my shortcomings are regularly pointed out to me, which makes me feel quite inadequate. This might be normal, but it is also quite personal, and for that reason, I fear that I am somehow neglecting some fundamental needs that my children have. All of this because I want them to be safe and happy, and because I know how cruel the world can be to those who do not naturally fit the mold of normal. I do not want my kids to become the victims of cruelty at the hands of their peers. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Susan Sarandon

Susan Sarandon reminds me of my mother. She"s a little crazy, but classy in a way that reflects a life that has been fully lived, mistakes and all. Plus, Susan Sarandon plays characters who are tough, and my mom was pretty tough, all the way to the end. I sure do miss her. 

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Balance

I have a very difficult time finding the balance between extremes. I am, by nature, an introvert. That can make life rather tough sometimes. I also do not respond well to very many things. I am sorry for all of my outbursts and wildly inexplicable states.