Anger

I don't know why, but I've been angry most of my life. Now, it is affecting my marriage and how I parent. Actually, it probably has always affected my marriage and how I parent, I just didn't want to admit it. A while back Denise challenged me with some tough questions that I didn't want to face, and although I don't remember exactly what those questions were I did begin thinking last night about many different things.

First, if I am truly going to change as a husband, then I need to change as a parent. When I was single all I wanted was to have a family. I was angry that I didn't have a family. I was angry that I was always alone. I was angry that I was depressed. I was angry, angry angry. But I was angry at the wrong things. I should have been angry that I was so angry, not at what I believed was my innate right, which was to have a family. When I got a family I became angry at all the responsibilities. I just haven't been able to find a balance, but the common factor is that I keep getting angry at the things I want. I want my freedom to sit and write, drink a beer with a friend, or have some silence. When I had that freedom I was angry. When I got the family I wanted so bad, I got angry that I had to hang out with my wife's friends, take kids to school and pick them up, and be there for them whenever they need me; but that's what I said I wanted. That is what I agreed to as a married man. That is what I agreed to as an adoptive father. But sometimes it all seems like too much.

Now I know I am being selfish here, but sometimes I want the best of both worlds. That makes me a man. Not a macho man, but it makes me just like every other man out there, including my father, who I looked down upon for not fulfilling his fatherly duties well enough. Here I am now, wanting to go out and play or relinquish my responsibilities for a while (hours, not days) and just get on with it. One of the most difficult things has been to realize that I am no different from all those other dads who don't take their kids to school. In fact, maybe I'm worse because I do it begrudgingly, when I should be happy to take my kids to school. I should feel honored that I am the last member of their family they see as they are turned over to their teachers. Instead, I grumble because I won't have enough time at work; and honestly, I probably waste more time at work than I should, so what's my problem? My problem is that I am just a man, and I'm no different than the rest of them even though I have tried and tried to be some sort of super-dad. The problem is that it just isn't getting me anywhere and what's worse is that it is even straining my marriage.

Denise is a great woman. After all, she puts up with me and my moods. She puts up with my negative attitude. She puts up with me trying to prove my worth by focusing on the wrong things all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she has completely fallen out of love with me by now. I mean really, how is it that she can stay in love with a moody, narcissistic fool like me? I've tried doctors and medication. I bought an expensive bike to ride. I have a great phone that is a mini-computer. I have a dream job. And none of it is enough. Maybe its all too much. I've lost sight of the beauty of my forest while cursing the multitude of trees surrounding me. I've lost my wife and children because I have been so concerned about blaming everything on everyone that I have lost sight of the beauty of my own life.

I'll never be anywhere near as good as I want to be. Regardless of whether it is being a father, husband, or teacher, I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I am not even sure why I constantly need that validation to show what I have done to be worthy of any type of acceptance. I am a decent person, but if I cannot come to grips with chaos that I have allowed to happen in my life, then my family will be done for. That is not what I want, but I need to learn how to put it into perspective in a way that works; and it needs to be done in a way that helps Denise, Julian, and Maya more than it helps me because their happiness should be mine, not the other way around.

If all goes well the next few days will be better. If the days are better, then the weeks should improve, too. Only time will tell. Only I can do this and it needs t be done quietly and without reservation. Only then can I save my family from myself.