Schedules

It is just one of those days when nothing seems to go the right way. I was yelling at Julian while trying to get him ready for his Saturday, 8 am Little League game, Maya seemed to get in the way at every turn, Denise had her own set of things to deal with, and even the dogs got me mad. These kinds of days are terrible. I can wake up fine and with one small thing, BAM!, I turn into Monster Dad. Julian and I eventually left for his baseball game, and on the drive I realized that a very real part of my problem is that I feel like I'm contantly conforming my life to everyone else's schedule.

Of course I long for those carefree days when I could come and go, and do or not do based on my own desires. Honestly, what sane person doesn't occassionally long for those days? There's nothing wrong with it. Many of us miss certain parts of our youth, but that doesn't mean we will just get up and leave our current lives behind because we are momentarily dissatisfied. Still, it does mean that we really need to look at what our lives have become. First, it is important for me to remember that I freely chose to get married and adopt both of my children. Except for some small pieces of time, I have always wanted to be a husband and a father. In high school I would ponder marriage and fatherhood. As a young man I began looking at how my life was effected by my father's absence, and I vowed to never be that way with my own children. I also vowed to never cheat on my wife, and I have remained steadfastly faithful. Honestly, I'm no super sexy man with women chasing after me, so fidelity is a little easier for me than for others, but I don't think I could cheat because my conscience wouldn't let me. And, if I have that much time to give to some some other woman, shouldn't I be giving that time to my own wife and kids? Maya thinks she's attention starved, so I'm sure she would take that time; Julian can always use some more attention before he hits the point where he doesn't want to be around his parents at all, and Denise might drop dead if I actually arranged date night all on my own. I know, I still have some work to do. Second, it is important to remember that I love my family and owe much of who I am to their presence in my life. I've finished college, earned my master's degree and a teaching credential, got a full-time job as a professor, and I'm looking into doctoral programs. As much as I would like to believe I could have done all that on my own, I would just be lying to myself. Denise pushed me to finish school and follow my dreams. My kids give me tons of reasons to excel at my job, and even though dropping them off at school and picking them up can be a pain sometimes, I can do it because of my job. I don't remember my dad taking me to school or dropping me off, but my kids will remember our mornings and afternoons together. I sure hope they have fond memories, at least. Third, I must realize that I have my own unique perspective that my wife will quickly rebut with her unique perspective and make me feel like I am the most selfish person in the world and I don't deserve to breathe the same air as her. She doesn't do it intentionally, it's just the way I interpret what and how she says stuff when I feel like this. Trust me, Denise is amazing, but whenever I get into my selfish mode, she brings me back to reality rather quickly by pointing out all the things I didn't consider. This is okay, I guess, but sometimes I just want to be selfish and do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Sometimes I even want to do things my way, which doesn't seem to happen very often either, but that's just my point of view. I'm sure there's another perspective out there to help me realize what I'm not considering.

Now back to the schedules. I hate them, but I need them. Take this moment into account, I'm typing away, trying to take in some "me" time, but my son is in desparate need of attention, there is a bunch of stuff sitting in the garage waiting to be returned to Home Depot, and I need to go buy a new refrigerator ASAP. It's Saturday morning and I cannot even relax. None of can. Dads, sorry to break it to you but I don't think it's going to get any better, either. Well, Julian wants apple juice. Bye bye to "me" time...


We all are dependent upon someone else's schedule, but sometimes I feel like my whole life is being dictated by the needs and desires of everyone but me. And you know what? It is.