Okinawa

When I was 11-12 years old,I lived in Oki-Yomitan Village in Okinawa, Japan. Those were some of the happiest days of my life, and I try to carry a piece of Okinawa in my heart everyday. The people of Okinawa were some of the nicest people I have ever known, and their genuine kindness toward an American kid has always been important to me. I can only hope that everyone has the opportunity to meet the Other and form a meaningful friendship the way I did. 

Adult?

Sometimes I do become sad when I realize that I am a functioning adult, but I cannot ask my mother how she got me to this place.  

Be Right

I tell you what. When someone does everything right for you and you do one thing wrong, even unintentionally, it is a disaster. You can never take it back. You can never undo the hurt. All you can do is accept defeat. 

Terrible

Sometimes I feel like I am a terrible father. 

Sometimes I feel like I am a terrible husband. 

Sometimes I feel as though I am the outsider in our family. As though I hold everyone back. As though I am a problem. 

I do not know if other fathers feel this way, but there are days and weeks where I feel as though I can do nothing right and that the entire family would be better without me. It is nothing more than my own selfishness that I stay around. I need my wife and children. The odd thing is that I would feel like nothing without them, but I also feel like a burden to them. 

Get up

You will be told for your entire life that it's doesn't matter whether you get knocked down; it matters that you get back up. The problem is that no one ever says that it's alright to stay down for awhile to heal. No one will tell you that it's okay to stop for a little while and catch your breath and heal. No one tells you to lift your head up slowly to become reoriented and see if you just might want to take some time to figure out your next move. They just tell you to get back up, and cruel parts of our world will take advantage of you in those moments, and that can be absolutely devastating. That can crush a person's soul. 

 I'm telling you that it's perfectly fine to take a breath and get your bearings straight before you get back up. I'm telling you to take a moment so that you can think before you try do do something just to do something because that can destroy a person. 

It just might save you in the long run. 

Depression

In the moments when my mental state hits the floor and it takes everything I have to keep it together is when I crack a little bit. Unfortunately, you guys are often the target of my frustration. It is in these moments that I feel useless. In these moments I feel as though you all would be better without me. It is in these moments when suicide become a real option that I must convince myself is unnecessary. I am not proud of this, but it is true that I am not as mentally strong as I wish I could be. It is true that I often feel like I am worthless. I feel like a burden that deserves to be lifted from your shoulders. Like a weight that you no longer should be required to carry. 

Remember

It's strange when I consider the things I remember from my childhood. A movie. A song. An afternoon. A tree I climbed. A game. The sounds on a radio. The smell of fresh paint.